"keep your head up."

In my search for pictures of my family earlier tonight, I came across a card my best friend wrote to me after her 15th birthday. In it, she wrote the usual confirmation and promise: "you are my best friend and will always be". 7 years later, I know this is the truth. I knew the moment I met her at the age of 12 that she was going to be a massive part of my life forever.

When we were both 19, she passed away. Over two years ago now. I was living in England at the time and received a call from my childhood friend at 1am local time telling me. My parents were set on me staying overseas, knowing I would probably not return if I was to come home to only be surrounded by a town and people that never quite understood the two of us. In the embraces of the friends I met in the UK, the ones I now consider my closest, I found solace. After the tears fell (and I won't lie, they still do occasionally), I was able to reflect on those 7 short years we had together, where she became my confidant, the one person I entrusted my life and my deepest secrets with. I knew even in death, this was not going to change.

Is it possible that I still feel as though she is just as close to me as she was the day she died? It's become such a normal thing for me now, and when I mention that best friend has died, I know people are uncomfortable - death is not an easy subject to deal with, but in the case of my best friend, I've tried to make it as bearable as I possibly can. It helps me cope, believing that she's still keeping all of my secrets safe, still laughing along to the inside jokes we crazily came up with as awkward youths. She never made it past her teenage years, but she had an old soul, was wise beyond her years, and in many ways under appreciated by the world.

I know this seems like a morbid topic, especially for a group blog for an undergraduate class where I don't really know any of you - but she's my other half, and I feel like hiding her away because she's not alive anymore doesn't seem fair.

After a close family friend of ours died in 2004, she wrote me a long e-mail the day of (which happened to be her 17th birthday, coincidentally) in which she said: "Remember, you have to have yourself through all this, so you don't lose you through everything." - and finding this e-mail again after her death has given me a bit of peace. I use her advice from this e-mail now to get me through not having her here anymore, but spiritually, she's still with me. And will always be.