early morning confusion

The posts about this being the last week of classes are freaking me out, I feel like I still have so much more to do and be done with in the next two or three weeks, I can't even think about the holidays. This might be due to the fact that we have absolutely no snow and for me, that's the real indicator that we're in the holiday season. What the hell is going on with the weather as of late?

All I know is that I need to spend today doing some serious work. I've woken up way too early though and I'm afraid I'll crash really early. Hello caffeine.

I'd like to be here right now, by the way:

This being the Tallinn (Estonia) Christmas Market. I'll be going to it next year as I have friends in Estonia that keep telling me I need to come. How is this even real? Why don't I live in the Tallinn Christmas Market year round? Pretty sure I'd be the happiest human ever if so.

Also, why am I watching Criminal Minds at 6:30 in the morning? End of the semester randomness.

judgment day

I always seem to build myself up for matters that aren't so vital to my life, decisions, actions, I'm about to make to possibly negative consequences. I have so much support from my friends in this issue I'm about to face and I know I just need to get it over with. I've got butterflies in my stomach and dialogue running through my mind, possible outcomes that I could face. Fingers crossed.

the mind's true liberation

I drove around for 20 minutes tonight thinking about my life & where I want it to go in the years coming up. I've realized I'm not scared about where it will go overall, but by the time I'm 30 for now. As my best friend, who I have known since i was 5 years old, told me on the phone tonight "you're cursed with having so many interests that it's hard to take one path" in simpler terms and it's true. A few weeks ago I thought I was destined to head down to nashville & work in country music, and now I feel like I'm being pulled towards working in musical theatre in some respect, whether it's backstage, onstage, or even as an assistant in the lavatory in a theatre on Broadway. This could be due to the fact that I saw the show Hair for the second time on wednesday night and felt even more connected to it than I did the first time I had the privilege of seeing it, but so it goes.

I can't pinpoint one path to follow right now. I'm scared to go to graduate school & study something that I'll eventually decide I hate, & I feel like I'll never know the truth of my heart. I'm envious of people who know, who just know what they want to do (like my dear friend I mentioned above, who is a dancer) but then again, I like having a chaotic web of different interests, it's made me into the person that I am, & I don't know where I'd be without some of these entangled components.

I think about the two main characters in Hair, Claude & Berger, two extremely different people who in many ways have the same mindsets I keep going back & forth between: Claude being conflicted between doing the logical & living the life that Berger wants him to desperately follow, whilst Berger looks to what will make his soul experience life to the fullest, freely. As Claude sings at the end of Act I, "Where Do I Go?" - I ask myself the same question.

i'm getting closer to closure

although it's really difficult. i was engulfed by this issue for most of the year and now that i'm not living in the same country as this issue i'm starting to separate from the pain and heartbreak. i'm moving on. it was one of those "doomed from the beginning" scenarios, and i knew that, but i let myself suffer through it. oh well. we live and we learn. jag är färdig med honom och jag är bättre för det!

hypocrisy and complete bullcrap

people are always saying that any experience you can get will teach you about real life whether it is a job, internship or volunteer work. i've noticed that the "real world" and life is full of hypocritical people and complete bullcrap. i've been working at this organization with 3 other people. the supervisors in this organizations are never satified with any of the work we hand in. even when we spill our guts, the always find a way to complain and basically bitch about us and our lack of (fill in the blank with professional adjetives). the staff there are hypocritical. they say one thing yet do another thing. and they are so two faced that its ridiculous. they put up a show to outsiders to show how good they and the organization are when those who actually work there know their really personality ad their fakeness. and one of the staff who isnt even a supervisor and is leaving this year is an exception pain in the ass. she always complains about us to our supervisor even when we all work in the same area right next to her. if she got something to say, why can't she tell it to our face, we're right there! she just runs to the supervisor behind our backs when we're not there to defend ourselves. she seriously needs to get her own life and stop trying to mess with ours. the 3 of us put up with so much of this organization's bull crap yet we can't leave because we need the "resume experience". so instead of an enjoyable experience, the 3 of us basically hate where we work but at least we have each other to vent to at the end of the day about the stupid hypocrisy and the stupid people we call supervisors.

oh by the way, when i interview for another another job, and I talk about this one, i have to say good and nice things about this experience because it's unprofession to talk negatively about your previous job and then i wont get the job so ill talk about all the great life experiences i got from this place. talk about playing games.

22

today was my best friend's 22nd birthday. i baked a cake for her, i reminisced on birthdays past. the last birthday she celebrated was her 19th birthday. without her here anymore, i still feel it's necessary to celebrate and remember her. she deserves it. and i like to think she shows up to hang out a bit and join in the festivities.

Life's Purpose

I'm not sure what I want to do when I'm done with schoool, actually that is a lie. I know EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO, but it will require me making some$$$$ first. I started out as a pre-med student and now I'm a Women's Studies major and Theater Arts minor. When I tell people what I'nm doing in school, the automatic question that follows is, "What are you going to do with that?", and I really don't know what iI'm going to do with it or if I will even do anything with it. I used to be this very planned out and structured person that knew what the next step in life would be and now I really don't know and it doesn't bother me either. People expect you to have some great plan in life and I say blah! I want life to lead me, I want to see what will be next rather than plan what's next. Now this doesn's mean that I am passive about my future, I'm just taking it a step at a time until I reach my ultimate goal which I don't feel the need to reveal until I have acomplished it. Rant, rant, rant.

Image from http://www.ndesign-studio.com/images/portfolio/illustration/abstract-life-1.jpg

when songs define our lives

it's hard not to listen to them over and over again.



and does it help heal whatever we're going through when this happens? To know that it has happened to someone else? I guess. I still feel terrible in some respect, but it does make me feel like I can get through this, instead of wallowing in boxes of Entenmann's and creating imaginary voodoo dolls in my head.

life goes on, & music will be there to console us and then kick us back into action.

the importance of being aware

so, I was heading over to class today around half 9 this morning and suddenly broke down, for the first time in my driving life. I was absolutely blown away by this, as my car was seemingly fine and I thought this came out of nowhere, but no --- after the tow truck, leaving my precious Elphie (yeah, I named my car. I know.) at the mechanics, hours later I find out it all stems back to a light that was on my dash that I honestly just never paid attention to. How stupid can I be? Was I that busy not to notice this bloody light? I don't know. But I clearly didn't make it to class today because of my stupidity on this part.

It also seems that everything that could go wrong with my life usually happens before this class (last time missing class because of a sporadic neck problem), what is that all about?

God, what a day.

GONEEE ..

i have been checked out for a whilee. i have been soooo busy with evrything going on in my life how is it that we never really stop and prioritize stuff n we just do it as it comes along .. i need more structure and organization in my life :(

i think i'm in love with charlie day/kelly.

So I've been (a bit obsessively) watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia over the past few weeks, and I've come to the conclusion that I'm in love with one of the creators (& stars) Charlie Day. I mean, I'm not in love, in love with him, but I like to imagine marrying him, that's all. He's not exactly the Brad Pitt type, and his character on the show is a dirty, unintelligent asshole, but I love him, both in and out of character. Admittedly, he reminds me of a Swedish guy I know physically and I guess I've got that connection to him in a twisted sort of nostalgic way.

I'm so glad I've got a few more seasons of It's Always Sunny… to get through, especially since it means more Charlie.

insomnia again

For me, 1:36am is early. I could truthfully go to sleep now, as I've (for once) finished some of my Uni work on time, but I'm of course freaking out about other things and anticipating what lies ahead. Of course instead of moving ahead with everything, I'm watching To Catch a Predator and thinking about what I can put together to eat with what's in my refrigerator. I haven't finished our project for this class, but hopefully it'll come to me soon. That's usually what happens: I'm occupied with other things and then I just suddenly know what to do and get productive. Hopefully I'll 1. go to bed early tonight (unlikely) and 2. get everything done soon.

what a difference a year makes

Anybody else watching Obama speak to the HRC at the moment? Well, my parents and my dog Zöe are sat at the end of my bed watching along with me:















My mom is close to tears and my dad, ever the tough critic, is impressed so far. This certainly wouldn't be happening in my household with the previous President. I know people are still extremely critical of Obama right now and believe he hasn't done anything so far and doesn't deserve this Nobel Peace Prize he just won, but I'm still sticking by him. I've still got faith in what he can do, and this speech he's giving right now is showcasing exactly what I believe he can (and will) do, especially concerning gay rights.

withdrawal

So, this weekend English football is on a break, and I feel a bit lost as to what I should do. I usually plan everything around when I can watch the games (especially the ones that my team, Chelsea, is playing in). I guess...I should just do schoolwork? I do have an assignment for an online class that was due in Monday and I still have yet to complete (I can't accurately put into words how much I hate Statistics), so I'll get going on that, finally.

But...the reason EPL is on a break is because of World Cup Qualifiers, which means even more football to watch! And all the players go back to their national teams! My team, Germany, is playing Russia in Moscow at 11am EST so I can do Uni work and follow along with the game online, and at 5pm Fox Soccer Channel (a mainstay on my TV) is playing the match between Denmark and Sweden (and I'll be supporting the latter!)

I always think it's a bit mad how much I really care about it, but then I look at people here with their American football and I don't feel so silly.

my cat is the coolest.

I took a video of my cat last night for the hell of it:

for some reason he loves playing with remotes so I figured I'd take a little video of him doing so. The random sound in the background is an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia that I was watching. And yes, he's always this cute (when he's awake).

A japenese display

A japenese display of a mock mobile suit from the popular anime/manga series mobile suit gundam....This is sick, it was dipslayed until the end of august. THe gundam or whatever its called, is soo detailed that some peole didnt know it was a display, and the best part is, it has lights!

torticollis

I was 12 when I first experienced the joys of this condition. I was in a math class, I turned my head and it was stuck in that position for the next three days and I was aptly told that this was due to torticollis, and since this episode, I've had to deal with this every so often, including today. I woke up this morning with what felt like a pinched nerve and then realized my head was stuck. This, of course, meant that I couldn't drive and basically couldn't move for a good portion of the day. I don't get this often, but when I do it is obviously debilitating and throws me for a loop, especially when classes are in session.

At least there's an amazing photo of a guinea pig with this condition on the Wikipedia page for it. This is pretty much what I look like when I'm dealing with it, except I'm less fuzzy. I can move my neck now, which is fantastic. Hopefully I won't deal with it again for some time to come.

what the hell?

is today drive like an asshole day or something? On my way to campus this morning I was literally a couple of inches away from being splattered on Nicolls by someone that decided the rules didn't apply to them and ran a red light. Really? Because you have a massive truck you think it's okay to barrel through with no care in the fucking world? Alright then. Had a few other run ins later on as well and it all just has me wondering: are we all so engulfed in ourselves that we don't have time to even obey the rules of the road anymore? I mean seriously, I was almost killed today - take your mind off of yourself for a second and realize you're operating a vehicle that could easily do damage to something or someone.

kissing coppers

My favourite Banksy, from my on/off city of residence (Brighton)... I miss passing by this on my way to the rail station.

(taken by Leonski @ flickr)

There's protection over the cops in this one because a few years ago someone wrote homophobic comments all over it. In what many consider the "San Francisco of England". Sad.

the awkward past

I took two friends of mine who are studying abroad at Stony this semester into Port Jefferson for lunch today, and we went to eat at a place I go to quite a bit, and for the second time in a month, I've seen a girl from my high school graduating class working there. This is someone who I was never particularly close with, but we're friends on Facebook (her add - like this means anything, of course) and never had any bad blood between each other. Yet, every single time I go in there and she's there, she completely ignores me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she'll switch with someone in case she's supposed to take the table I'm at.

Now, unless there's some event that took place I'm unaware of where we had some massive falling out from our indifferent acknowledgment of each other that resulted in us still being Facebook friends, I'm left a bit confused by this entire situation. We catch each others eyes, and then turn away quickly and make ourselves busy with something else. It makes for an altogether awkward situation and I wish it wasn't that way. Even a "Hey! How are you?" would suffice, I reckon - but oh well. It doesn't surprise me, I was always treated like a second class citizen in high school since I wasn't wearing Abercrombie & Fitch and getting drunk off wine coolers with my fellow classmates on the weekends. So, maybe this is for the best. But still, it would be nice if next time I go in there I get a smile instead of being ignored.